The Story of My Life. Naked and Afraid with One Direction and Justin Bieber.

Blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog, blog.  Think the Cadbury Bunny.  I ate about 1264.7 of those this weekend.  I had approximately 1264.7 pounds of ham too.  Buy Ma'iitso Rises today.  If you haven't read it yet  buy a signed copy right NOW!!


I don't have a lot of pressing issues on my mind this week.  I didn't have any run-ins with dirty unbathed hippies.  The wife is good.  The kids are good.  Beauregard Duke of the House of Wheat is even managing to behave more often than usual.  Book creation is happening all of the time.  It's sunny outside and I've been getting a lot of work done on the farm.  The Cubs can't hit, which I believe I predicted a few short weeks ago.  All in all things are alright.

I have a confession to make, though.  Even with all of my railings against reality television in an earlier blog, I have succumbed to the infernal beast and become an honest to goodness fan of one of the shows.  I know.  I know.  I can hear people now.  "Hypocrite," screams one person.  "Poser!" bellows another.  "Stupid buttface punkapotamus loser!" comes the catcall from the cheap seats.  Easy guys.  You don't have to call me names, although punkapotamus is a pretty solid effort.  I almost feel badly about my new guilty pleasure, but then I find myself typing the name of my show into the search on my television's guide channel and get disappointed it isn't on tonight.  Life is hard.

So, without further adieu I am here to proclaim to the world.  I AM NO LONGER A CLOSET FAN OF THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL'S "NAKED AND AFRAID".  There you have it.  I'm out.  

One night I was sitting on the couch, mostly ignoring the tv.  I don't remember what my wife had on, but it was probably something terrible, and then she switched the channel.  I will admit, the first thing that caught my eye was that there was a naked butt on my screen.  Wait a minute.  I don't have skinemax.  Why are there naked butts on my tv?  Then this naked girl and naked guy walk up and shake hands.  I had no background on this show and had never seen it before, but two naked people trapped in the wilderness for 21 days.  I decided to give it a go.

Flash forward a few weeks, and now I can tell you all about it.

First of all, they drop off these naked people, a guy and a girl, in the middle of nowhere.  Everyone who is on the show has submitted their survival resume' and they are assigned some random score on what their chances of survival are.  Actually, the score is supposed to be scientific, but I haven't noticed it having any actual bearing on whether or not the people will make it the full 21 days.  OK, so the people are dropped off, they take off their clothes, and then they meet.

For the most part, so far, a lot of the shows have been on islands.  I remember one in the jungle, but it seems like most are on islands.  So, the two naked people walk up to each other and say hello.

NAKED DUDE:  Hi naked lady.

NAKED LADY:  Hi naked dude.

Now, generally speaking a lot of these people are a little awkward, or weird anyway, so the greeting is usually kind of dumb.  Next the pair get their one survival tool that they are allowed to bring.  OK, now, I used to think that they got to choose their own device and I would wonder what would happen if they both brought a firestarter.  That would suck.  Then, on one of the episodes the guy said 

"Hey naked lady, let's look in the bags and see what we brought."

I don't know if that means that the producers put their survival tool in there, but it kind of doesn't matter.  Alright so, usually, one person has a firestarter, and the other has brought a machete or hatchet or something.  The problem is, is that half the time these supposed "survivalists" don't even plan ahead for stuff or think of simple solutions to their problems.   Like in this one the two naked people had to hike through switchgrass which was cutting the daylights out of their legs, and the dude was just walking with his machete in its sheath, letting his legs get all cut up.  I was sitting there yelling at the tv.  "USE YOUR MACHETE TO CUT THE GRASS AWAY!!!!  THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR!"  They didn't hear me though.

Another time this one dude gets naked, and he's a ginger.  It's sunny and 104 outside and they don't have sunscreen.  I know what I would do if they dropped me off on an island, naked, afraid, 104 degrees, sun beating down...  I'd get in the shade, find a big leaf, and wait til dark.  Not this guy.  He got so burned trying to build a shelter that he couldn't move for 3 days.  Stupid.  

I could go on and on about this show, but I'm not gonna.  You'll just have to watch it.

I have another confession.

I'm a sucker for facebook adds.  It's like Mark Zuckerberg has tunneled into my mind and knows exactly what intrigues me.

"'EPIC PHOTOSHOP FAILS'  Click Here."   "He said 'This'.  Her reply couldn't be more perfect.", "Two drunk knife fighting monkeys fall down a flight of stairs."  "Mexican Fighting Midgets Ride Mechanical Bulls,"  "Twelve Irishmen On Acid Bong Entire Bottle of Whiskey.  You'll never guess what happens next," and the list goes on and on.  I didn't even know that I was a facebook ad addict until Marky Z changed the rules on an update and started alerting me when things that I would probably like were available.  Maybe I need counseling.

Guess what.  I have yet another confession.

I like "The Story of My Life" by One Direction.  Yeah, I know that One Direction probably had nothing to do with writing it.  Yeah, I  know I'm not a 12 year old girl.  Yeah, I know that they wear skinny jeans and I think that skinny jeans look really, really, really, really, really, extra stupid. Yeah, I know that they kind of go against everything I've ever stood for in music.  But, well, that song is just good.  Don't worry, though, I haven't gone out and bought an "I love Harry" t-shirt yet.  Just a keychain.  

You know who else I like?

Justin Bieber.  

Nope.  I just sat here for five minutes and tried to think of some story about how I liked Bieber, but I couldn't even make one up, and I'm relatively creative.  He sucks that bad.  

You know what would be kind of awesome, though, is if Harry and the Biebs got dropped off on one of the islands together and did an episode of Naked and Afraid.  I'm assuming that they would count Jbieb as the girl, even though Harry is pretty girly too.  It's really kind of a toss up.   Bieber would probably bring eyeliner as his survival tool.  Harry would bring skinny jeans, which actually would keep his legs from getting sunburned, so he has a leg up there.  Pun intended.   I'm imagining Harry actually being a lot manlier than the Biebs and beating the crap out of him sometime before the 3 weeks is up and little Justin just sits around and whines that he wished he didn't have to choose between eyeliner and hair gel.  Maybe that's why I like that 1D song.  Hey, it's better than Bieber.  

I think that's it for the confessions this week.  To recap.  Naked and Afraid is a great show.  If I were on it I would only work at night so that I could conserve energy and not get sunburnt and I would make water/shelter/fire a priority, not weaving baskets, or building a chair to sit on, or trying to chop down a coconut tree..  If you have ever seen the show, you'll see that those are actual examples.  People are dumb.  OK, I also like facebook ads and One Direction.  Well, I don't really like One Direction per se, just that one song.  The Biebs still sucks, the Earth is probably still round, cadbury eggs are good, peeps are weird, and I like ham.  Life is good.

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Posted on April 23, 2014 .