So, I'm late a day... Deal with it.

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a number of emails and texts yesterday about why I hadn't put a blog out yet. Although I can see on my site analytics that people do actually subscribe to this thing and read it on a weekly basis, I don't usually get a lot of feedback or interaction, so it kind of seems like I just do it for the writing practice. Anyway, I'm sitting down for a moment to do it today, and to make an announcement.

I got a job.

What kind of job, you say? Don't you already work at subbing and at Chilis and writing books?

The answers are this. I accepted a position at Washington Intermediate School/Central District 51, my official title is Special Education Aide and I still work at Chilis and write books.

So, what does a Special Education Aide do? Well, largely I work with special needs children to further their education. I walk them up and down the hallways. Make sure they wash their hands. Help them unlock their lockers. Keep them from eating hand sanitizer. Intervene when a bigger child gets physical with their little teacher. Stop them from licking things. Ask them to put their shoes and socks back on a hundred times. Teach them that you don't tell people to MOVE! when they are in your way, you say 'excuse me' in your most polite voice. Don't swear in the hallways. Don't swear in the classroom. Don't swear in the bathroom. Don't swear in the office. Don't swear on the playground. Don't swear in the band room. Don't swear in the gym. Don't swear in the cafeteria. Don't swear on the bus. Don't swear at the driving range. Don't swear on the baseball diamond. Don't swear in the library. Don't swear in the computer lab. Because telling them not to swear isn't specific enough. They must know exactly where they are not allowed to do it.   Disclaimer: Students and their behaviors have been mashed together into one big melting pot so as not to single any one student out, and because it makes for better storytelling :)

Student: Mr. Wheat. Can I swear at home?

Me: Probably not, but its up to your mom and dad.

Student: Its fine.

Me: I doubt it.

Student: Don't worry about it. Hey Mr. Wheat.

Me: Yes.

Student: Mashed potato.

Me: With gravy.

Student: Ooooooohhhhhh yummy. I love gravy.

Me: Pickled jalapenos.

Student: Gross. That's gross. Apple crisp.

Me: A la mode.

Student: What's that mean?

Me: With ice cream.

Student: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh yummy. I love ice cream.

Me: Me too.

Student: Hot dog.

Me: With mustard.

Student: Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh yummy. Pizza.

Me: I love pizza. Fetuccini.

Student: What is fetuccini?

Me: Its noodles. Kind of like spaghetti.

Student: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh yummy. Ear wax.

Me: Gross. You eat ear wax?

Student: No you do. Buttface.

Me: That wasn't very nice. What if I called you that?

Student: I'm sorry Mr. Wheat. Are you OK Mr. Wheat?

Me: I'm fine, but you can't call people names. Its mean.

Student: I'm sorry Mr. Wheat. So sorry Mr. Wheat. Are you OK Mr Wheat?

Me: I'm OK. How are you?

Student: Good. What is your name Mr. Wheat?

Me: Mr. Wheat.

Student: Noooooooooo. Your real name.

Me: Mr. Wheat.

Student: Mr. Buttface.

Me: That's your first warning.

Student: I'm sorry Mr. Wheat. Are you OK Mr. Wheat?

Me: I'll be OK, but you hurt my feelings and now I'm sad.

Student: But I said I'm sorry Mr. Wheat. So sorry Mr. Wheat. Are you OK Mr. Wheat? Will you cry Mr. Wheat?

Anyway, these conversations can last entire class periods. I especially like the food naming game. The student's excitement over food they love is awesome. I mean, I like food, but not like that.

So, that's why I wasn't able to do a blog yesterday. I worked all day at the school, walked in the door to the house, changed clothes, and went to Chilis, worked all night, got home about 11:30, watched the end of some new Adam Sandler movie with my wife, went to bed, and then the alarm went off in what seemed to be five minutes and I'm doing it again today. Oh yeah, and I have a 45 minute lunch break which I am using to write this blog. The thing is, is that so far, I love the job. Wish me luck!

P.S. I know, the title of today's blog is kind of rude, unless you know why it isn't. Then you'll think it's funny. I don't have time to tell the inside joke though! See ya next week!

! Happy hump day!


Posted on October 2, 2014 .