OK, last week=bummer city. This week=morevacationfun!! Which is way better. Buy Ma'iitso Rises. I'm poor and I need money. I don't know if we can afford to feed our children if you don't! OK onto the blog!
I recently spent a little time at the zoo and though I admit being a human is pretty sweet, I wouldn't mind taking my shot at a few other species in the animal kingdom. On the flip side of that coin, however, there are some animals I wouldn't trade places with for all the money in the world. OK, that's a lie. I think I could do anything for a day in exchange for all the money in the world. If I had all the money in the world, though, wouldn't that make everyone else broke? So, if I had all the money, people would be coming to me all of the time asking me to give them some more dough and I'd be like "Whatya need it for?" and they'd be like "To get a tatto of my girlfriend's name directly across my forehead," and I'd be like "That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard." and they'd be like "No way, this one time I watched this youtube video of this guy whose shotgun jammed so he decided to look directly down the barrel instead of just checking the breach, but then he got lucky and it just shot his hat off," and I'd be like, "You're right that is pretty stupid, but I think you've got him beat by just a hair," and they'd be like "No way because if we ever break up I can just go on one of those tv shows where they do awesome cover ups of crappy tattoos, and I'd be like, "Yeah, but forehead tattoos are probably a bad idea anyway, even if they are of a snow leopard leaping across a ball of flames flanked by palm trees, because you might want to get a job someday," and they'd be like, "Nobody has jobs stupid because you have all the money and we just come here and ask you for it," and I'd be like, "Oh yeah, my bad dude," and although I wouldn't mind taking a run at philanthropy as a career I don't think I'd particularly enjoy holding the purse strings to the entire world's coffers and having to decide who should get how much and when and then there are those forehead tattoos... Run on sentence gets me again. And a fragment. Or two. Or four. I really just do this so that I don't have to proofread. Everyone will just think it's a joke. Or I'm kidding. I'm not kidding. Maybe. Anyway, having all of the money in the world might actually be more work than its worth, and I think that economies would crumble and stuff, so I'll settle for, let's say, a trillion dollars. So, counting down from five, here are the animals I think it would be awesome to be for free, and why, followed by the animals I would trade places with for a day if offered a trillion dollars, or maybe a hundred dollars. I would take it on a case by case basis.
A duck you say? Yeah. I think it'd be cool to be a duck. I think the main reason I think it would be cool is because I was pretty young when Howard the Duck came out and I really liked it. Then I got older and saw it again, and it was horrible. That still hasn't swayed my opinion, however. Ducks can fly, which is awesome. They have feathers, and I've had pillows made of feathers, and those things are comfortable. Lastly, I like their language.
Person Who Is Talking To Me: "Tim, how are you doing today?"
Me: "Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack."
Me: "Quack, quack."
PWITTM: "That's absolutely insane bro! I've heard a lot of crazy things in my days, but that takes the cake!"
Me: "Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack."
I rest my case.
This is an easy one. Tigers are awesome. Tony the Tiger is awesome. Bouncing is what Tiggers do best and although the movie Bounce kind of sucked, I don't hold that against Tiggers. Diego is very cool, good with babies, and a saber toothed tiger, so I think that counts. Tigress did some pretty serious kung fu and anyone who follows in the path of David Carradine is awesome in my book. Then there's Richard Parker (Life of Pi) who kind of brings the others down as far as being awesome goes. He had no reason not to eat that skinny dude on the boat pretty much the first day. I mean he was oppressed his entire life by people. You can't tell me he wouldn't maul every one he saw no matter the consequences. Anyway, tigers can swim forever and I've seen one eat an alligator on youtube. I think. That might have been a panther, or a leopard. Whatever. They're all pretty much tigers anyway.
3. Sea Lion:
Easy one. Sea lion's look like they're having a pretty righteous time pretty much all day every day. When they're asleep they look like they're having a righteous time. When they're swimming along, they look like they're having a righteous time. When they're laying on top of a rock with a big grin on their face, basking in the sun, their whiskers shifting side to side as they wiggle their little black noses, they look like they're having a righteous time. Shoot, they even look like they're having a righteous time when people are throwing whole raw fish, guts and all down their gullets. I really was looking for a way to fit the word righteous in there, but not like Moses was righteous or Righteous Brothers righteous, more like Bill and Ted "WHOA. RIGHTEOUS!!!!". Anyway, one time my friend got served an entire fish at a restaurant in Jamaica, and she didn't look like she enjoyed it that much, so sea lions definitely have the jump on humans there. Lastly, I kind of wanted to put regular lions in my list, but I already had tigers, so I think the lion kingdom is pretty well represented by the lions of the sea.
Camels just look like they're relaxed all of the time. It seems like if I were a camel for a day I'd just chill out and tell people stuff that would make them relax, like
Me: "Yeah, I'm a camel. I have two big humps that I store water in."
Person Who Knows Things About Camels: "Actually camels don't store water in their humps. The humps are just where they keep their body fat so that it isn't throughout the body heating them up."
Me: "Oh yeah. Well I can drink 53 gallons of water in three minutes and store it in my 5 stomachs."
PWKTAC: "Camels can drink that much water that quickly, but don't store it in extra stomachs. Their red blood cells are actually oval shaped instead of circular and this is one of the things that physiologically allows them to store so much water so quickly and keep it for long periods.
Me: "What do I know. I'm just a camel. You're the person who knows things about camels. And talks to camels. Weirdo. Stop stressing me out."
AND NUMBER 1:
Duh. This wasn't even really a contest. Monkeys have tails and can swing from anything. When they fling their poo its pretty gross, but it still makes me laugh. They can jump about ten times their body length and their babies just hold onto their bellies while they party and fly around the room. If I personally had one tenth the energy of a monkey I'd probably own the whole world, but, oh yeah, I forgot that I don't really want to do that. Oh well, that's not the monkey's fault. They come in all sorts of awesome different colors and breeds and in the Wizard of Oz there were those flying monkeys, and in the newer one with Franco he had a bellhop monkey, although that monkey was kind of boring and not what I would expect from a talking monkey. I would have thought they'd be a lot more hyper, like the monkey I most recently spoke with at the zoo.
Me: What's up monkey?
Monkey: I'M SWINGING AND SWINGING AND SWINGING AND SWINGING AND JUMPING AND SWINGING AND SWINGING AND FLINGING POO AND STOP!!!!! (The monkey nervously sits and checks me out through the glass.)
Me: Flinging poo is gross monkey.
Monkey: How do you know?
Me: I just know. I'm evolved and use tools and have thumbs and stuff.
Monkey: I bet you've never even done it dork. You know where you can stick your thumb? I bet you can't even swing from your tail.
Me: I don't have a tail.
Monkey: LOSER!!!!! STOP HASSLIN ME HUMAN! (He's been sitting still too long) SWINGING AND SWINGING AND FLINGING AND SWINGING AND JUMPING AND FLINGING AND SWINGING AND SWINGING!
Now that I think about it monkeys are kind of mean...
OK. Animals I don't want to be and the simple justifications.
They put food in their mouths wither their noses. My mother never would have allowed this.
It sucks when you're the most hated member of the kingdom.
Although I enjoy the song "Rats" by Pearl Jam. I don't particularly care to be one.
2. Bed Bugs:
What a useless creature.
AND THE NUMBER ONE MEMBER OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE AND MY LEAST FAVORITE PART OF OUR RECENT TRIP TO THE ZOO.............Drumroll please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Dirty Unbathed Hippies:
Hands down, the smelliest members of the animal kingdom at the entire zoo were the group of 6 or 7 dirty unbathed hippies that we ran into on a number of occasions. When we walked into the house of monkeys, or whatever it was called, I commented on how horribly it smelled, but that wasn't the monkeys. That was the dirty unbathed hippies who probably hadn't showered more recently than the monkeys. To be specific, I don't have a problem with hippies in general, just the dirty unbathed variety who actually smell significantly better when surrounded in a cloud of cigarette smoke, the mere presence of which proves that the dirty unbathed hippies collectively had enough cash to buy soap and/or deodorant/some sort of stinky b.o. masking agent, and yet chose to buy multiple packs of cigarettes instead. If you want to smell "natural" and "earthy" in the commune, more power to you, I won't go there, but if you want to mingle with others in public places then please be courteous and schedule your monthly/quarterly/semi-annual bath the day before, or even the morning of. I would never want to be a dirty unbathed hippy and I don't think it would actually be possible to pay me a trillion dollars to become one for a day because I couldn't get that smelly in a day. Maybe in a week? Maybe two weeks? I'm not sure. I take showers. They feel nice.
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