Bling, Bling, Pinky Ring, That's a Billion with a B, son...

We're halfway through the week everyone!  I'd like to thank the Retired Teacher's Learning Institute of Spoon River college along with everyone who attended last Friday's presentation.  I thought it went well and I look forward to seeing some of you down in Rushville!  Oh, and I sold out of paperbacks!  Alright, that's it for announcements.  Onto the blog!

So, I was laying in bed last night thinking about what I'm going to do with my billion dollars once I have a perfect bracket in Warren Buffet's March Madness Billion Dollar giveaway.  I know the odds are somewhere in the neighborhood of nine quintillion to one, but in the immortal words of Lloyd Christmas, "So you're telling me there's a chance."  Also, I read somewhere that if you actually have some basketball knowledge those odds come down to a hundred billion to one or something.  See, I already increased my chances by, like, a flabillion percent, give or take.  

Luckily for me, a million years ago, I must have already signed up for a yahoo account, because I got to skip that laborious process of entering the contest, and got right to the big balla money making.  Anyway, that song by Lorde, or whatever her name is, was running through my head, (you can call me green bean), and I contemplated getting a tiger with a gold leash, and maybe a cadillac or two.  A caddy seems a little on the skimpy side for a new billionaire, though.  I'm thinking more along the lines of a really nice truck, a Tesla S, a 67 Camaro, and then whatever the wife wants.  I'm not really a huge car guy, although I certainly have an appreciation for the feats of engineering they represent.  Maybe I'm undershooting a little bit here.  I'm probably only in for about $200,000 on land based transportation, which is practically nothing.  I would assume I'll be heating my house by burning hundred dollar bills and will probably be fueling my vehicles that way too.  Maybe I can still find one of those Vector, 1000 horsepower, hand built supercars from the 90's sitting around somewhere and waste some money on that?

OK, so after I get my tiger and my cars, then what?  Well, then I decided I should probably go ahead and pay off my debt and whatnot, but we're out of there pretty cheap.  I'm assuming I won't have to call into work or anything.  I'm thinking maybe I'll just go in there, throw down $50k, lock the doors, and let the employees eat and drink whatever they want.  Before I even get that far, though, I guess I have some other business affairs I should get in order.  For instance, where do you even put a billion dollars?  Should I ask for it in 100's, or 50's, or can I get some of it split up into gold bars, or platinum or something?  Well, that probably wouldn't exactly be the most prudent thing since I don't know anything about the precious metals markets.  Maybe they've been volatile lately and then instead of having a billion dollars I could lose a bunch right from the start and only have nine-hundred million or something.  That would suck.

Then I remember the thing that super rich money winners always complain about.  Taxes.  I wonder what the rate is on my billion?  Wait a minute.  I wonder if Warren is even giving out a billion, or is it like the lottery that says it's a billion and then, oh no, wait, it's really only a one-time payout of 600 million?  So now I'm down to 600 million and I haven't even paid my taxes?  That stinks.  I just lost 400 millions dollars, and just a few minutes ago I was upset over maybe investing in gold and losing 100 million.  100 MILLION!!!!  Chump change.  Alright, so I assume my billionaire benefactor, War-dog, is going to try to screw me over, he didn't get to be the Oracle of Omaha because he's a sucker.  So, I get my 600 million, and then the government is going to be in my pocket for another 240 million or so.   That leaves me with 360 million free and clear.  

360 million measly dollars?  It wasn't that long ago I was going to be a billionaire.  Does anyone even know how much tigers cost?  I'm pretty sure he'll be one of the first things that I cut out of the budget now that it's tightening up a bit.  I can't even get anyone in the house to help me feed and water the dogs.  I have to think the tiger would be a little more labor intensive.  Well, unless I bought 1000 acres, fenced it all in, and then get myself a herd of deer or something that the tiger could hunt.  I would assume he would hunt deer, but I wonder if you can even buy wild tigers that still like to hunt, or if they're all lazy "tame" tigers that just like to sit back and have steaks thrown into their mouths and gnaw on Roy's face every once in a while.  (Sorry Mr. Horn.  That wasn't very nice.  I'm glad you lived through the tiger mauling.)  I know I don't particularly care for deer, maybe I could just get him a herd of  cows.  I prefer beef myself.  Oh no, can tigers even hang out here in the midwest?  I'm thinking they are more of an equatorial pet.  That settles it.  My pet tiger Rodolfo is going to have to wait until my finances are a little more stable.   Chalk that up to some savings!

If I'm not going to have a tiger, though, I'm not sure what else awesome I should get.  I mean, everyone who has 360 million stashed under their bed probably has a sweet house.  I want to be more original.  Maybe instead of stashing the money under the bed I should build myself a bunker or something, like those doomsday preppers.  That's what I'll do.  Ok, I'll buy a really big iron pipe, or culvert, or whatever it is those guys put under ground, and get ready for the apocalypse.  How many AR-15's do you think I'll need to defend myself from the zombie hoards?  Since I have plenty of money I could probably just go ahead and get my dealer's license and get some fully automatic weapons though.  I watched World War Z, a semi-automatic with thirty, or even hundred round magazines just isn't going to cut it.  Ooooooohhhhhh!  You know what would really come in handy when those rabies infested, bite crazy, sub-humans find the fresh air intake on my secret underground lair and start stuffing their dirty underwear down it or mindlessly throw themselves into my vent fan and get chopped into bits while fouling the air inside of my cocoon?  Some of those motion detecting sentry machine guns from Aliens!  I could just set them up all over the perimeter outside and live in comfort with no fear of being eaten or turned into a writhing, undulating, brain dead, single minded purveyor of all things dreadful, like Justin Beiber.

I don't see much that could go wrong with having fully automatic, motion detecting machine guns that indiscriminately gun down everything in their path.  

My brain is starting to hurt.  Being rich is hard.  

I bet, even after building my underground fortress, fully furnishing it with a bowling alley, a full size indoor baseball facility, 60 bedrooms, 30 bathrooms, and stocking it with enough food, water, booze, and ammunition to allow my Aliens inspired sentry units to kill off the plague of non-survivors, I'll still probably have 350 million or so dollars left.  Richard Pryor made this look so much easier.  

I guess, at some point, I'm going to have to decide who gets to come down into the zombie proof lair with me.  Obviously my wife, kids, mom, dad, sisters, all in laws, and all of their kids make the cut, but who after that?  I suppose I would probably just do it like everyone else and take doctors and scientists and stuff.  They all could have been infected too, though.  Oh, no!  I just thought of something!  What if, instead of zombies its a comet or something like that?  Underground might not be the best place to be in the long run.  I'll need a back up plan.

I wonder if I can buy a destroyer or cruiser, or maybe even an old battleship from the Russians?  Those guys will sell anything.  Then I'll be covered in case a tsunami washes over the Rockies and Appalachians and we have to sail our way out of the midwest and start civilization all over again.  It looks like I can pick up a fully loaded Arleigh-Burke class modern American destroyer for about 2 billion.  I bet I can get an old Russian one for a hundred million.  I'll go ahead and get three, just to be safe.

Now we're talkin!  

I wonder now, though, if the Navy will even let me sail my three destroyers up the Mississippi river so that I can put all my stuff on there?  Maybe my fully automatic firearms license that I picked up for the autonomous, motion detecting, sentry machine guns will cover warships as well?  Now that I think about it, though, It might not even be possible to sail one or three of those up the Mississippi.  I'm not sure what the draft is on those things.

You know what?  This is just getting too difficult.  I think that instead of turning in my winner I'll go ahead and post it on here and let you guys deal with all of these headaches.  I'm cool with being poor.   


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Posted on March 19, 2014 .